It seems like I really babbling too
much nowadays, no? a lot of things annoyed me to the core =w=)
First, I have these
so-called-friends here and there which annoys me to the CORE! Core!! -_- I mean
it, I really annoyed to the core and of course, nobody wouldn’t give even a
damn about that. Those people never truly care about me. I tried my best to
help them, care about them, and I used to support them whenever they had such
enormous problem to bear with. and, you know what I got? NOTHING.
I always
ended up getting left behind and being forgotten. Am I really not deserve any
good? Or should I say, am I really do not deserve to live? If that is the case,
I’d gladly accept my grudge of pain and go to see my Almighty God.
Like I said, I’ve been fought my
suicidal thoughts for a really really long time. I know I sounded like a whiney,
cry-baby, spoiled-brat, or whatever that even more worse. Yet these kind of
feeling kinda flies into my head again few days back. I was a lil bit depressed
and yeah.. mad.
Just a couple hours back, I found
myself scratching and biting my own hand which is bad. I thought I’d never ever
refrain such silly acts anymore, yet the condition lately forced me to do so. I
really am frustrated.
Today seemed like I’ve reached my
climax. People around me really acted like a nuisance. Lot of tasks to do as
always, so I horribly want to go home as soon as possible so that I could get
rid of some trouble-some tasks. Yet, on my way to home, there are some
disgusting men that suddenly laughed at me. They said something harsh to me,
like, “Hello, fat! Faaaat!! You’re such a dirty for our eyes!!” and then they
laughed at me on and on. I wanted to give them some lessons for being so mean,
yet I just couldn’t. I merely am pathetic, ne?
I just don’t get why people have to
obtain an abstraction of beauty only because of their out-look? I know I am a
fattie, I have nothing but fat over my body. Yet I still have a brain to be
proud of. Okay I might be not that smart, but at least I AM smart enough to
understand how people’s feel. People nowadays never think much about other
people’s feeling, ne? I just hope I could find someone who wouldn’t sees me by
my out-look only. Yes I am longing for that day.
These damned people in my house,
too, made my day even worse! Well he’s my mom’s blood-related. He is annoying,
I swear by my God’s name. he asked my mom if he could stay over for some times
since he already divorced with his wife and he had nowhere to go. So yeah, my
mom told him he could stay in our place. At first, he acted like he’s an angel,
always bought everything for me and my mom. Then his real habit slowly
appeared. He is disgusting, really. He never taking care of his room, throwing
every cigarettes’ packs all over his bed, throw his dirty laundries to be taken
care by my mom, unreasonably asks for some amount of allowance, and doesn’t
want to do some chores to help my family. Annoying, no?
A couple hours ago, mom asked me to have
some dinner. I was about to say “yes, just wait a minute. I have to do
something.” And all of a sudden, he replied to my mom with such underestimating
tone, “Rin is on a diet~”. Hell, I know I am a fat one, and I do want to have
some diet. Yet, HE SHOULD TAKE A MIRROR AND SEES FOR HIMSELF!! Why? Because he’s
just the same as me. FAT! So what’s the point for teasing someone with ‘fat’ or
so if you, yourself, are fat?! Don’t you know I do have a feeling? And I AM
ironically sensitive. I know you want to have some jokes with me, but I find it’s
booooooriiiiiing!
Mom also yelled at me because I
refused her request. Okay, I know it was my fault after all. Yet, I do have a
reason, right? I mean, my t-shirt is having a lot of holes on it so isn’t it
kinda shameful if I just went out? I know I could change for another t-shirt
but isn’t it really a waste of time? She yelled at me, saying that I am not a
good daughter, good-for-nothing, lazy-girl, and so on and so on~
She never cares about my feeling. She
always comparing me over my 2 older bros. she said I should get myself like
what my older bros are. Annoying lah. I am what I am, no matter what I won’t
change myself for such irrational reason. I have my own way. I compeletely
different from my bros and I don’t want a “Oh she really look like her bros”. I
just want a “Oh amazing! She has her own way to success, she took a totally
different path from his bros!”.
Does she knew why I choose social
majority for the next grade? The biggest reason is, I want her to know me more.
I want her to know that I am totally different from my bros. I want her to know
what I want. I want her to know that I could have my successes on my own way. I
want her to ,at least once, proud of me.
She always told people about my bad
habit, always mad and angry whenever I near to her. 180 degrees different
compared to her treatment towards my bros. everytime I got sick, she’d just
standing there, saying, “oh c’mon. don’t be such a spoiled brat. Just do your
chores already.”. doesn’t she know how much I suffer all this time?
I told myself not to get too
concerned about that yet I could do nothing but cry. Why should I have these
discriminated feeling? Does God really mad at me? Or it’s because God loves me
and God knows I am strong enough to bear with these all? I hope the second
choices will do for me.
Even my papa stressed me too much
nowadays. He keep say something so racist and egoist. Sometimes, yes, sometimes,
I just want him to go or die. I know I’m not a good daughter. But, seeing my
mom mentally hurted by him really make me get in my pain even more. I’m holding
a goddamn big grudge against him and I don’t care even about a slightest thing
about him anymore.
I am mentally sick. I am mad to
myself. For being so pitiful and weak. I just couldn’t stop crying whenever I
think about it. Being ignored by family, friends—so-called-friends to be exact,
and society really hurtful. Am I such a disgrace for society? I guess so, since
I always being the one who get left behind. *ironically laughs*
I know I am such a whiney, and bad,
of course. I said something bad about my parents after all. Yet I couldn’t bear
with it anymore. I hope I could fight these suicidal thoughts. I don’t want to
die. I still have a lot of sins. My standpoint won’t allows me to do so anyway.
I’m longing for a place to be called as ‘home sweet home’. Yes, for now, I just
gotta be an encaged canary, trapped inside a gold-maden cage. I let my bloody
wings hit the tornful pillar of that cage. Ignoring the pain that comes over
and over. Letting my voice echoes for singing a tormented requiem and baptize
everyone with my tears.
Only
an unimportant note that written by a good-for-nothing creature that does exist
in this goddamn world called earth. Rin
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