I feel so discriminated

Well, just see what this post entitled with and you all will know what its content about.

I feel so discriminated by MY SO-CALLED-FRIEND. I don’t know whether it’s all just my thought or true. She obviously think that I’m so useless and stupid. She always sees me like an idiot and nothing compared too her.
She never believes on my opinions and she speaks bad about me all the time. I used to ignore her for calling me ‘cino’, ‘gendut’, ‘ampyang’, etc. yet I couldn’t help but crying in my room. Why she has to be so racist? I mean, we all are still a human, right?

Once she got mad at me because I mock *I didn’t mean to* her jiejie—her course teacher to be exact. I told her ‘your jiejie is a trader, right?’ and she replied me with such tempered voice, ‘so what?! Your dad also do the same!!’. Haven’t she realize that I DO FEEL THE SAME EVERYTIME SHE MOCK ME? I am a human, I have a feeling. And I am a sensitive one. I could do nothing but silently cry whenever she mock me.

She never accept my ideas. I remember once we were in the same group for a sociology task, she suddenly said that she gotta be the leader of the group and made a decision all by herself. I, which having another decision that probably effects more better than her, of course told her about mine. Since then, she glared and mocked me more often than before.

I just don’t get it, why do she has to be so egoist? Also, she always underestimates my insight. She thought I’m stupid enough to understand everything. Like what happened just yesterday. We were attending an economy competition. She said ‘we are balance to be a team. Rin has a scariest glare, I could add more statements, and since pus has the widest insight between us all, she gotta be useful’. Okay, that obviously means that I’m useless and stupid compared to you both, right?

Then, time was come for us to have a debate. I positioned myself in the middle sit, between her and one of my friend. She suddenly said ‘pus, roll a seat with rin, you are more experienced with debate. Rin, get your ass off from that chair and give it to pus.’. I feel so useless. So that’s it. I AM JUST A COMPLEMENT FOR YOU. She always smiles whenever talking to other, except me! I truly am pathetic, right?

She always told other about her opinion, yet, whenever I stated an  ‘eh? What’s wrong?’, she won’t give me another answer except ‘kepo’,  ‘melok ae seh’, or ‘apaseh, mau tau aja.’. am I also too unimportant and not fun to talk with? Okay, I think I am.

She also discriminating me in her dream. Just few months back, if I get no wrong, she told me ‘eh, I got a dream last night. I entered FBE ubaya, pus entered psychology, and our campus is near! And rin… I forgot what majority those girl entered. I think it’s law faculty and she is really really far away from us.’. just yesterday, she told me and pus ‘I got a dream last night. I, and pus, entered class social-1!!! And rin, got in class science-8!!!’ I’m like ‘what?! Why it always me that got discriminated in your dream?!’ and everyone laughs. I couldn’t blame everyone’s laughter since they think it’s fun. I just… urrgh. WHY IT ALWAYS ME?! Dream, dominantly, is a representative of people’s feeling for people within their dream, no? that means she hate me that much and in her deepest heart, she discriminated me.

I know I am STUPID, USELESS, POOR. NOTHING COMPARED TO YOU. I KNOW I MAKE YOU FEEL IRRITATED ALL THE TIME. I KNOW YOU JUST GOT NEAR ME ONLY IN JAPANESE LESSON TIME. I KNOW YOU HATE ME FOR BEING EXIST IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES. I KNOW EVERYTIME YOU THINK BAD OF ME.

I’m so lonely and most of the times I know I want to die. I need help but I don’t know how to get any help. I actually make an effort with people. I avoid being two faced and talking behind peoples backs. I actually appreciate having friends, unlike some people. I'm not pretending to be perfect, but I try hard and it seems my effort is wasted. I am shy, but is it any wonder with the way people treat me. I used to get bullied and it has stopped now, the school sorted it out, however most of the time I'm on my own and don't really have any friends. I'm sorry to sound whiney, but it's really upsetting me. I'm too sensitive and I just feel like crying.

It drives me nuts. When certain people don't look at me, I feel horrible. I always feel overlooked or that people glance at me for a second and then decide I'm boring. How can I stand out or not feel ignored all the time? Talking to people is out of the picture, that's the thing I have trouble with. Anyone else feel like this? I want to be remembered and known, but I don't know how.

I always felt like I'm invisible in a room.  Especially with my family. Happens at school  too. Sometimes I think people aren't talking to me, so maybe they think I'm weird. On the other hand, it's a relief when I don't have to talk. When the teachers praise everyone else except me, even when I did the actual work, I wish I could speak up but never do.

Even on forums, somehow, I'm ignored. It's frustrating and depressing. Its sad. I would die for any type of attention and sometimes I do bad things to try to get it.. but then once I get it I regret it immediately because my self  takes over and I start dying inside.  So round and round I go on this endless cycle of torture.

Just where is my love? Where is my hope? Where is my friend? And where is my reason to live.  I feel so alone and worthless. I never really felt these feeling before and I want them to go away. I'm starting to have suicidal thoughts too. But I know I will never kill myself. I'm too chicken and I don't want to cause my family pain. Sometimes I think that if I commit suicide people care about me and feel sorry for me. When I was younger I thought, "Why do people commit suicide, that's so stupid!" But now I see.

I'm afraid that everyone is judging me. I hope I can get over this one day, until then I'll just keep on remaining silent.

People are misinterpreting my shyness as something else. Once my friend *i dont have many* was hanging out with her friends and i had to hang with them because i didnt have any one to talk too. I didn't say a word.  All that time I was worried that they wouldn't like me. So I didn't say anything for they couldn't judge me. Now they think I'm snobby and I think I'm better than everyone else. It's not that, I'm just scared. These boys in my class made my day even worse when they started to pick on me. I didn't hear what they were saying but I knew they were having a go at me because all they did during class was laugh and point at me. Why do people make fun of other people?! I didn't know when i reached college, I would be experiencing this. Elementary school, middle school, and high school yeah but not from people who are about to become adults!

I just want to die but my standpoint won’t allow me to do so. My parents won’t encourage me, I don’t have any friends, just so-called-friends go around me.

I remember a quote my friend shared just a while back, ‘I WANNA LAUGH SO HARD. SO HARD THAT PEOPLE THINK I AM MENTALLY ILL.’ Yeah, I wanna laugh so hard.

P/S: I know I’m such a peanut for grammatical structure. Whatever  I just want to share all my thoughts for someone that always made tears on my eyes.